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Amusing Quips - Odd Thoughts - Humorous Anecdotes
How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
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Anatomy of a Blow Job
The mighty women of earth come forward and speak out as to the true
feelings, fears, emotions, and complexities of performing oral sex.
"Ok dudes, listen up!"
- First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
- Extension to rule1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
- I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
- Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
- My ears are NOT handles.
- Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
- I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
- Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
- Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
- If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
- Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,
watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would
like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
- If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
- No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
- No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink,
etc...
- When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
- Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
kissit good morning".
The manly men earthlings retaliate
- First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will
find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
- Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish
- You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
- I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
- If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you
won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your
teeth...because you won't have any.
- Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we
would stick around afterward.
- When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the
only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
- Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you
need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
- You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get
the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
- At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
- Play with the balls, nuture the balls, LOVE - the balls
- No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
- Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our
friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
- Caress the ass, too, we like that.
- Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action,
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
- If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now will you?
Leave the thinking to us, okay girls?
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Recent Articles and Helpful Tips for Men
Change the Atmosphere Of Your Bedroom
It's especially good for couples that have been together for a long time to create a new atmosphere in an all too familiar bedroom, but you don't have to be in a long term relationship to try some of these suggestions. Variety is the spice of life. Altered surroundings can turn a routine sex session into a night of passion you will remember for the rest of your life.
Add Some Strange Erotica Music
Playing that funky music that you normally wouldn't can profoundly change the feel of a room and the sex you have in it. Reggae and jazz are favorites in the bedroom for the sense of rhythm they help provide, as well as a lot of dance music played in singles bars.
The Nose Knows
Our sense of smell is one of the most powerful memory queues we have. Scented candles and incense are very good for changing the atmosphere of a room. If your bedroom smells different your brain will unconsciously think it's a different place. Don't just buy one flavor or scent, buy dozens. A wide range of scents is much better.
There is another huge bonus to using a variety of scents over a long period of time- even without consciously trying, your mind can associate a particular sex session with a unique smell (as long as the smell is unique enough). In the distant future it will be easier to reenact a particularly passionate night if you burn the same incense fragrance.
Sometimes a memory association will happen by accident. It's a very cool experience to be out shopping and smell a candle and have it remind you of an intense orgasm or a particularly kinky sex act.
New Sheets
New sheets always beg to be broken in. They don't have to be satin or silk, but it helps.
A Black Light
Florescent body paint is really cool with one of these. Watch out though, it also shows off dandruff
in a big way!
A Disco Ball
Small ones can be purchased at a novelty store. Nothing changes a room quite like spots of different colored light all over the ceiling and walls. A cheaper substitute is a novelty lampshade. If you can't find a store for those they're very easy to make yourself. Any craft shop will help you out.
Mirror Mirror On The Ceiling
It isn't hard or expensive to fix a few panels to the ceiling and it makes a very tantalizing addition to the bedroom. They don't have to stay there forever and it doesn't have to be a perfect job. Just make sure you have them out before you host a Christmas party or find a way to keep your bedroom private.
Go With A Theme
Ever fantasize about fucking in a jungle? You can have the next best thing and not have to worry about twigs and creepy crawly things. Buy a cd with sounds of the jungle and move all the plants in your house to the bedroom.
Want to fuck on a beach without getting sand in your ass or teeth? Try playing an ocean sounds cd and massage one another with sun tan oil.
Flood Lights Atmosphere
Many people already own colored floodlights for decorating the outside of their house at Christmas. You don't have to wait for December to put them to good use. Indoors they make everything in a room their particular color, even your partner. Science fiction fans really appreciate fucking under a green light. Just make sure you have some good blinds for your windows, you'll be sending a colorful beacon out to the entire neighborhood that might be embarrassing to explain.
How To Meet A Woman Online?
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Tips To Last Longer In Bed
Are you tired of being grilled with questions like, "is that it? Are you done?" Good sex is not all about how long you can last, but racing to the finish line is the number one complaint women have about their men. Here are a few tips that can turn any minuteman into a marathon lover.
Get To Know Yourself
Practice makes perfect. If you masturbate concentrating on prolonging your orgasm you will be able to repeat the performance in bed. Whack off as long as you can, as often as you can. Bring yourself as close to orgasm and stop just long enough that you can start all over again and bring yourself back to the same level of ecstasy, then start all over again.
Make a game of seeing how many times as you can bring yourself to the edge without coming and pay attention to the signs and sensations your body gives you that you're about to come. It's possible to train yourself to withhold an orgasm at will, using this method alone.
Foreplay Is A Good Thing
Even though it doesn't really help you to last longer, it can seem like you have lasted longer if you spend more time on foreplay- with her. Make sure that you have touched every square inch of her body before you even lick her pussy. Extend foreplay to the point of driving you both crazy. She'll be a lot more appreciative, even if you do only make it thirty seconds in her pussy.
Be careful about receiving too much foreplay yourself. Every stimulation your cock receives is a queue to get ready to cum, but only in a constant timeline. If it's possible, get her to give you head before you practice your foreplay skills on her. That way you'll have had a little break before she's begging for your cock.
The Best Positions
Everyone has different preferences for positions. There are some that you know will make you come fast and others that seem to just keep you hard. Choose positions that you know aren't your favorite first and when you are finally ready to cum (or just about exhausted) switch to your favorite.
Most men cum quicker doggy style but last longer with missionary and sex lying down on one side (spoon like). Cowgirl style is 50/50- it's strictly a personal preference. Some guys last longer when the woman is on top, some blow their wad as soon as she settles into the saddle.
Condoms Are Your Friend
Despite all the hype and the advertising claims about increased sensitivity, nothing cuts the sensation of sex more than a condom. If you still have trouble coming too fast with one on, wear two. But always remember
to put ono the jacket. You never know what you could catch.
Stay Focused Danielson
Don't let self-fulfilling prophecies work against you, make them work for you.
Remember, sexual stimulation is entirely in your mind. It might be hard to think so when a hot chick is riding you like a bronco, but it's true. You don't have to think about baseball or your grandmother naked (although those both work), but concentrating on not having an orgasm too soon does work, just stay focused. It has to do with the complex relationship our conscious mind has with our unconscious mind.
If you truly convince yourself that you aren't going to cum, you won't. It also works in reverse, so be careful- if you think you're going to cum too soon, you will.
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