Introducing Bessie, Site Mascot - Sweetest
Shaved Pussy On The Planet!
Um, I preferred my
hairy pussy status - spare a sweater Mister?
Amusing Quips - Odd Thoughts - Humorous Anecdotes
Beware Women's Defensive Tactics When Trying the Pick Up Lines
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I'd love to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks, I already have one a**hole in there already.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct
1. She is not a Babe or a Chick - She is a Breasted American.
2. She is not a Screamer or Moaner - She is Vocally Appreciative.
3. She is not Easy - She is Horizontally Accessible.
4. She does not Tease or Flirt - She engages in Artificial Stimulation.
5. She is not Dumb - She is a Detour Off The Information Superhighway.
6. She has not Been Around - She is a Previously Enjoyed Companion.
7. She does not Get You Excited - She causes Temporary Blood Displacement.
8. She is not Kinky - She is a Creative Caretaker.
9. She does not have a Killer Body - She is Terminally Attactive.
10. She is not an Airhead - She is Reality Impaired.
11. She does not get Drunk or Tipsy - She gets Chemically Inconvenienced.
12. She is not Horny - She is Sexually Focused.
13. She does not have Breast Implants - She is Medically Enhanced.
14. She does not Nag You - She becomes Verbally Repetitive.
15. She is not a Slut - She is Sexually Extroverted.
16. She does not have Major League Hooters - She is Pectorally Superior.
17. She is not a Two Bit Whore - She is a Low Cost Provider.
Being Single Sucks!
Top Adult Dating Sites
Anatomy of a Blow Job
The mighty women of earth come forward and speak out as to the true
feelings, fears, emotions, and complexities of performing oral sex.
"Ok dudes, listen up!"
- First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
- Extension to rule1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
- I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.
- Extension to rule 3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
- My ears are NOT handles.
- Extension to rule 5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
- I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
- Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right
now.
- Extension to 8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if
you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
- If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
- Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette,
watch TV, etc...immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would
like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
- If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule 2 about gratitude.
- No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.
- No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink,
etc...
- When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.
- Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to
kissit good morning".
The manly men earthlings retaliate
- First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we will
find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
- Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish
- You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
- I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.
- If you ever tell me what to say and not to say to my friends again, you
won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your
teeth...because you won't have any.
- Maybe if you brushed your teeth and got the dick off your breath we
would stick around afterward.
- When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the
only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
- Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you
need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
- You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get
the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
- At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
- Play with the balls, nuture the balls, LOVE - the balls
- No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
- Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our
friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
- Caress the ass, too, we like that.
- Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action,
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
- If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on
your face, now will you?
Leave the thinking to us, okay girls?
Where's The Single babes?
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More Useless One Liners
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
You get to meet new people every day!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They've got boyfriends already.
What is the similarity between a woman and laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is the space between a girl's tits and hips called the waist?
Because you could put another pair of tits in there!
Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
Strapadictomy.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate!
Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
What is the definition of making love?
Something a woman does while a guy is boning her.
What do rednecks do for Halloween?
Pump kin!
Why do men like blowjobs?
It's the only time they get something into a woman's head straight!
What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No-one to talk to during an orgasm! (Oh, God!)
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper tits!
What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old folks home!
What's the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off and the other was assassinated.
Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One of them says to
the other, "Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?"
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